tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-55296042011-08-19T12:18:42.163-04:00Mr. No FunDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.comBlogger441100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-1131650725629181142010-05-11T14:23:00.001-04:002011-03-11T11:47:59.192-05:00An Open Letter to the people at my gym:To The Grunter: As you lift, you fill the gym with your groans, moans, and barbaric yawps. Some of your sounds defy description. After particularly heightened cries you’ll smash your free weights to the floor as an added exclamation. Yes, we all know you are working out really hard and we know you like the attention, but every person in the gym wants you to Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-79280820483178511572010-03-23T23:28:00.002-04:002010-03-23T23:33:50.183-04:00GREATEST arena rock singer of all time. Apologies to Bono, Freddy Mercury and Roger Daltry.Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-14011118339233773022008-09-11T10:09:00.005-04:002010-02-18T12:30:45.502-05:00Cat CallingOn the way to work this morning I was walking behind a young, pretty girl. We passed a group of construction workers and noticing her, one guy said "you have beautiful eyes." I was about 8 feet behind her and when I passed I said to him "hey, what about me?" He laughed and laughed.*I've noticed that construction workers' cat calls have taken a more gentile tone. Gone are the calls of Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-60751502214331168892008-05-07T17:45:00.002-04:002008-12-12T03:22:42.441-05:009/11: We Will Never Forget Sunday May 4, 10:15am. An Italian tourist is at the 23rd street subway booth:Tourist: "Yes, hello, um, how do I get to the Twin Towers."Station Agent: "What?"Tourist: "What stop for the Twin Towers."Station Agent: "What? towers? What towers?"*MTA Station agent leaves the booth in a huff and comes around to talk to the tourist face to face.Station Agent: "Where do you Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-86405858438638253552008-04-23T18:31:00.003-04:002010-05-11T15:01:39.282-04:00Office PornMy friend Brad and I were strolling around Soho 3 years ago and we decided to go into the "Toys in Babeland" adult bookstore. Its a "classy" vibrator, dildo shop with a few locations around the city. Brad bought an erotic stories CD that he wanted to play for his new girlfriend while he had sex with her. When we got back to my apartment I loaded it into iTunes and dumped it onto his Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-28981247846930828672008-04-23T09:48:00.002-04:002008-12-12T03:22:42.695-05:00Recent overheard subway conversationsDowntown 1Dad: "Oh no. We're on the wrong train. I think we're going downtown."Daughter: "This is the worst day ever."Manhattan bound FKid A: "I've been watching VH-1, they have all these old videos and shit. They got this band called the B-52's"Kid B: "They named a band after a bus line?"Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-69900331018328168612008-01-06T17:22:00.000-05:002008-01-06T18:18:13.839-05:00JourneyI was listening to "Don't Stop Believing" recently and I wondered about the below lines.Dont stop believin'Hold on to the feelin'Streetlight peopleIts not streetlight, (comma) people. Its Streetlight People. These poor souls are the people that live beneath the shadows of the streelights, searching for some kind of emotion in the night. Its like a Hopper painting, but its a song. Its Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-46883636513385306702007-10-26T16:32:00.001-04:002008-12-12T03:22:42.782-05:00Halloween Costume Update: Sexy Mental PatientNothing says sexy better than mental illness. *Yes, that's a straight jacket and the hat says "Belleview".Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-76544457352174068052007-09-25T12:45:00.000-04:002008-12-12T03:22:42.931-05:00Lambada: the forbidden danceA co-worker mentioned this movie. I remembered it from the early 90's. I decided to look it up on IMDB. Actual plot summary: Kevin Laird is a Beverly Hills school teacher by day and a mystery man by night. Using his lambada dance moves to first earn the kid's respect and acceptance, Kevin then teaches them academics. But when a jealous student exposes Kevin's double Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-8526058851328523142007-09-25T12:16:00.001-04:002010-05-11T15:03:13.210-04:00Pinky. It takes a certain type of guy to wear a pink suit.Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-15750946031099036272007-08-20T17:07:00.000-04:002008-12-12T03:22:44.085-05:00Scotland = rainI just returned from 3 weeks in Scotland. If you're curious about Scottish weather - here's a report from the local newspaper. Note the top right part of the country - maybe you can go up there and have a picnic.Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-24809540095743642032007-06-11T13:26:00.000-04:002008-12-12T03:22:44.613-05:00In line at the grocery store. Sometimes when I see an old person buying an Entenmann's Raspberry Danish at the grocery store I get sad. They usually have the danish, a couple of cans of pet food, milk, and then something weird, like a jar of gherkins or pickled herring. I picture them going home and having a piece of the Entenmann's (on a plate) with a glass of milk. Then they put the plate and Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-56132068359826276712007-06-11T11:41:00.000-04:002008-12-12T03:22:44.771-05:00Cold CutsA friend mentioned heading to the Jersey Shore to hang out at the beach sometime this summer. Nothing captures my feelings and thoughts about summer in New Jersy quite like... cold cuts. Picture the rented bungalow. Cheap drug-store beach chairs on the front porch. A cooler full of beer cans. Your bathing suit full with sand. Wet towels drying on a clothesline. And in the fridge various Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-31891290969348781242007-06-03T19:58:00.001-04:002008-12-12T03:22:44.986-05:00BanksyBanksy is a graffiti artist from the UK. Nobody knows what he looks like. Check out some of his work here.Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-85264554741638299822007-05-31T11:10:00.000-04:002008-12-12T03:22:46.274-05:00Summer Baseball -- Mets vs. GiantsWent out to Shea last night to catch my Giants in a night game against the Mets. 20 minute subway ride to Shea and a $9 dollar ticket for the upper deck. Cheaper than a movie. The guy sitting in front of me. My ketchup packet for my hot dog. The field in the 8th inning after the sun had set.One of the 40 jets that fly overhead during the game. Not sure if theyDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-11779030152972651632007-05-22T17:27:00.000-04:002008-12-12T03:22:46.436-05:00144th and Convent Ave.I'd like to visit the Royal Tenenbaum house next time my friend Dave comes to New York (maybe walk around for awhile, grab a sandwich.) He's a big Wes Anderson fan. *I'm laughing at myself because I've been making this out in my head to be some crazy long journey but the reality is that its a 20 minute train ride. Sometimes New Yorkers view even the slightest travel from Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-85485999536246900862007-05-22T14:07:00.000-04:002008-12-12T03:22:46.557-05:00Eff you Robert Smith.I found this when I was moving. I wrote it a few months ago at Dempsey's Pub. Not sure what moved me to write it. The Cure was indeed playing on the jukebox. I know people have strong feelings about The Cure. I happen to like The Smiths. I also happen to believe that you can't like both bands. I'm a purist. So pick one. Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-18342227772326691532007-05-22T13:54:00.000-04:002008-12-12T03:22:46.717-05:00Art Purchased.I just bought these prints from an artist named Rod Hunting. I'm pretty excited. I have now bought 2 pieces of art in my adult life. I don't count crappy dorm room Monet posters as art. The other thing I bought was from a guy named Ed Rosko in Brooklyn. Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-14503075433122866522007-05-22T13:52:00.000-04:002008-12-12T03:22:46.865-05:00Solid Gold. This is my co-worker Rachael. Last week she wore a solid gold outfit to work. She's very fashion forward. Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-46482441647473250792007-05-22T13:33:00.000-04:002008-12-12T03:22:47.854-05:00Pork Butt. I roasted a pork shoulder. It's also known as a pork butt, but it doesn't come from the butt area at all. For most of my life I thought a pork butt was just that... a pork's butt. But again, it's not. This cut is about 5 or 6 bucks. You can feed about 8 people with this. Buy it, rub it with salt and pepper and brown sugar and garlic. Toss in some potatoes and rosemary and maybe some Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-76424313600740711002007-05-21T11:29:00.000-04:002008-12-12T03:22:48.288-05:00Speedwagon? In the 5th grade I moved to a new neighborhood. During my first week I was kicking a ball in the street with some of the local kids, trying to make friends. Two older guys said they were going to see "R.E.O." on Friday. I asked "what's R.E.O? " I had never heard of it. One of the older guys looked at me and shook his head, then with a loud voice said, "Hey everybody. This retard Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-26309532463642172232007-03-14T15:50:00.000-04:002008-12-12T03:22:48.429-05:00 I found this piece of paper at the bank last friday. It was laying there near the deposit slips. I guess somebody had to do some quick math before making a withdrawal. Pretty sad.Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-1168111135028663742007-01-06T14:09:00.000-05:002007-01-06T14:27:22.940-05:00HookersThe first time I picked up a prostitute – it was a mistake… but more on this later.I have only been SOLICITED by a prostitute once… I was late for an awful temp job at an insurance company on the upper east side and as I rounded the corner I nearly collided with someone. She was a normal looking black woman - maybe in her early 40’s – wearing a purple track suit. I was in my early 20s at Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-1161359758725956222006-10-20T11:50:00.000-04:002006-10-20T11:55:58.740-04:00Roasting Pans and MaturityI'm not sure what's happening to me... but I really want to buy a roasting pan. Not a flat screen tv or a motorcycle or a subscription to Playboy, but a roasting pan. I'm 100% comfortable with this idea. And yes, I still like women. Recipes to follow.Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-68402947208911146702006-10-19T12:55:00.000-04:002008-12-12T03:22:48.754-05:00Toasted then Roasted The last time I flew, I found a copy of Real Simple in my seat pocket. I was flying back, hung over, from a friend's wedding in Chicago. The happy couple is Irish and the dancing and drinking didn't stop until 6 am. Reeking of lager, a mere shell of a human being, I boarded an early flight with a throbbing head. In this frail and vulnerable state, too queasy to contemplate Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-1159827803940984012006-10-02T18:08:00.000-04:002006-10-03T19:12:19.266-04:00Not Dum.The classic Dum Dum "mystery" pop. Who knows what flavors it may contain. No one knows.Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-1153924772493873712006-07-26T10:16:00.000-04:002006-10-03T18:51:56.913-04:00 WPTV- News Channel 5My old girlfriend is now a newscaster in Tampa. Why do all newscasters have newscaster hair?Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-1153923371345596692006-07-26T10:15:00.000-04:002007-05-21T18:38:52.776-04:00Thunder over LouisvilleI flew into Louisville from New York around 8:30 pm on July 4th. Dave picked me up curbside at baggage claim and drove madly in the direction of downtown. He barely said hello. The sun was dipping low and god damn it if we weren't going to see the fireworks show. Besides being a patriot and a fierce traditionist, Dave needed things to go according to plan. If we missed the Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-69021713237405158272006-06-03T20:18:00.000-04:002008-12-12T03:22:48.968-05:00Skinny ties are going to be big. You heard it here first.Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-1057959972660972932005-02-16T17:46:00.000-05:002006-08-03T16:01:10.313-04:00I Need Your VoteHello. My name is Dick Donner and I’m running for a seat in the House of Representatives of the United States Congress. Would you please take five minutes to listen to me? It’s important to your future, the future of your children, the future of America, and the future of America’s children.Fellow Americans, I need your immediate assistance. This Tuesday, I, Dick Donner, would be Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-1077733300476646122004-02-25T13:21:00.000-05:002008-12-12T03:22:49.174-05:00Welcome to The World of PornMy friend Susan is a porn director. We’ve been friends for two years and in that time I never once asked her about her work. Naturally I was curious, but I figured she was tired of answering the same stupid questions over and over so I decided to keep my mouth shut and be a cool friend. While I kept my distance from her career, I secretly hoped a “porn emergency” wouldDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-1075220280896334982004-01-27T11:18:00.000-05:002004-01-27T11:19:33.920-05:00Earth School
Earth is a school for the soul. I believe that each soul chooses to adopt the temporary physical manifestation of a “body” solely for the purpose of development and growth through the illusion of pain, resistance and suffering. There is no recess in “Earth School” my friend. We are constantly “in class,” learning the important lessons that life hands us moment through moment. By Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-1068089644531521022003-11-05T22:34:00.000-05:002003-11-05T22:34:02.563-05:00Dear Office of Admissions:
I am writing today in hopes of persuading you to allow my nephew Craig entrance into your fine educational institution. Admittedly, Craig has had his troubles in high school, his grades were poor and he didn’t participate in many extracurricular activities, but I really believe he will blossom at a large and diverse university such as yours if only given the proper Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-1058414132285398062003-07-16T23:55:00.000-04:002003-07-16T23:55:32.176-04:00White People In The News
The following are two segments from the Rueters and Associated Press coverage of a porch collapse in Chicago that killed 13 people:
“The accident occurred behind an apartment building in the upscale North Side neighborhood.”
“The collapse occurred about 12:30 a.m. Sunday during a party at the apartment building in an affluent neighborhood popular with recent college Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-1058413628488865672003-07-16T23:47:00.000-04:002003-07-16T23:47:08.443-04:00From The Trenches of The TriBeCa Film Festival
“As of this moment Mr. DeNiro is confirmed to arrive in the Main Tent sometime tonight between 7 p.m. and 1 a.m. (Cheers and Applause). I have been told that Mr. DeNiro will enter through the south gate sometime during this 6-hour window. I must stress that this is merely a “soft” confirmation. Please understand that Mr. DeNiro’s arrival can only Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-1057961594359868612003-07-11T18:13:00.000-04:002003-07-11T18:13:14.366-04:00You vs. Iron Mike
Mike Tyson cried before his first big fight. He was scared. According to his handlers he was afraid of failing and terrified of being hurt. He sat in the locker room with his head under a towel and sobbed while his manager calmly watched with fatherly patience. After wiping the tears from his cheeks he stepped into the ring and sent his opponent to the mat with a ferocious Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-1057961491846368412003-07-11T18:11:00.000-04:002003-07-11T18:11:31.850-04:00Affirmation
Each and every morning I plan my day in an efficient and productive manner to maximize the hours. I rise with the sun – refreshed, reborn, renewed. I thank Mother Earth and Father Sky for the gift of life. Rolling quickly from bed to floor I launch into 1000 push-ups and 1000 sit-ups. I do not stop. I will not stop. My body grows stronger, faster, bigger, better. Toned and Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-1057961237762193942003-07-11T18:07:00.001-04:002008-10-17T16:13:38.623-04:00Great Day For Football“Great day for football. Great day to be alive,” says coach. It is 1982 and a group of eleven and twelve year old boys are running 30 yard wind sprints across an uneven, dusty patch of dry, brown grass in 105 degree heat. The air is dead. The wind is lifeless. The humidity mocks all living creatures. The heat has adopted a personality of it’s own. It insults them, taunts Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-1057961114902775542003-07-11T18:05:00.000-04:002003-07-16T23:57:32.803-04:00Rules To Live By
Keep your hands, legs, feet, arms and head inside the compartment at all times. Do not enter - this area is restricted. This album may contain Explicit Lyrics. You must be this tall to ride this attraction. Do not under any circumstances open a window or door without expressed written consent from the management. In the event of a water landing please remain seated until you Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-1057960735755247102003-07-11T17:58:00.000-04:002003-07-11T17:58:55.750-04:00Dale
Dale examined my prostate yesterday. He’s a PA (physicians assistant) over at the Drexel University Health System in Philadelphia and a buddy from college. We met in the dorms freshman year where he taught me about bongs, the French Horn and why the Smiths were as good as Led Zeppelin. He played in the marching band and was proud of it. Sometimes, in his dorm room, after a few Cuervo Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-1057960417510849442003-07-11T17:53:00.000-04:002003-07-16T23:56:24.466-04:00Star F**ckers
I see Tony Danza on 8th Avenue. It’s 5 a.m. on a Tuesday, and the sun is just starting to light the edges of the Park. I’m walking North toward home and bed, as he stumbles past going south, his eyes on the ground. I turn and instinctively begin to follow him. Drawn to him. I trail him for a block or two, my eyes on his beautifully trimmed hair. I watch as he crosses the Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-1057960201420518062003-07-11T17:50:00.000-04:002007-09-25T13:04:30.005-04:00Best BuddiesRed was his name. His real name was probably Edward or Charles or John, but everyone called him Red. I never called him Red. I was 18 and he was my girlfriend’s father so I called him Mr. Conner. We had a typical Father/Boyfriend relationship - 75% polite friendliness, 25% constant under current of mild hostility. I was a freshman in college and Megan was a senior in high school Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-1057520916169518602003-07-06T15:48:00.000-04:002003-07-08T16:30:36.543-04:00One To Grow On
Earth is a school for the soul. I believe that each soul chooses to adopt the temporary physical manifestation of a “body” solely for the purpose of development and growth through the illusion of pain, resistance and suffering. There is no recess in “Earth School” my friend. We are constantly “in class,” learning the important lessons that life hands us moment through moment. By Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5529604.post-1056990361230549082003-06-30T12:26:00.000-04:002003-06-30T12:47:13.096-04:00Remember: The Stripper Does Not Like You
I always thought I was above such cliché behavior. I ridiculed the slobs who acted like this. Ridiculous. Embarrassing. I would never say or do anything like this... I’m ironic, witty and smart. I’m an artist. I’m self-aware. But come last Friday, I was not only saying these words, I was truly believing them.
“This stripper really likes me.”
Ouch.
Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01497413327215751719noreply@blogger.com0