You vs. Iron Mike

Mike Tyson cried before his first big fight. He was scared. According to his handlers he was afraid of failing and terrified of being hurt. He sat in the locker room with his head under a towel and sobbed while his manager calmly watched with fatherly patience. After wiping the tears from his cheeks he stepped into the ring and sent his opponent to the mat with a ferocious upper cut. Knock Out. The fight lasted less than 30 seconds.

Tyson’s legend began to grow and his fears quickly faded with each opposing eye socket he shattered. He wasn’t shedding any more tears. His punches were lightning quick blurs of iron that hypnotized the boxing community with jaw-dropping awe. He became the most exciting boxer since Ali. I saw him at the LaGuardia airport baggage claim – a wide, powerful, rock-like specimen of a man with arms and shoulders as solid as marble. A crowd gathered around him, sucked in by his energy. He was The Champ and he was both loved and feared.

There was, however, one problem with his dominance – his opponents routinely fell in the first round. This was great for spectacle but bad for sport. People paid big money to see his fights, but the hyped-up show rarely lasted even a few minutes. People began to complain. They wanted to see a fight, not a single punch. Tyson’s opponents were publicly ridiculed. These chumps were handed million dollar paychecks for mere seconds of “work.” Americans didn’t like this. We respect hard work and easy money mocks our most fundamental beliefs. The press wanted Tyson’s opponents to at least thrash about for a few rounds, instead of gingerly stepping into the ring like sacrificial lambs. Sitting in a pub during the Tyson years you’d frequently hear men proclaim, “Hell… for a million dollars I’d get in the ring with him!”

Now that Tyson’s career has devolved into a cheap circus act I would like to finally give the public their chance. My idea is simple: take the huge money that would normally go to Tyson’s third rate opponent and give it to any average American willing to be savagely punched in the face by the former Champ. I hope to turn my vision into a new Reality Special on Fox called “Knock Out.” It could provide new life to Tyson’s career while also allowing him to get out aggression in a controlled environment.

The main feature of my show is entitled “Fast Money.” The show opens with a sweaty, muscular Tyson growling in the middle of the ring. Outside the ring is a gutsy but terror-stricken line of average folks: plumbers, students, housewives, telemarketers, daycare workers, cab drivers, fry cooks. Though different, these people have one thing in common, they each want $50,000 dollars in Fast Money. To get the money the contestant must stand in the ring, helpless, while The Champ levels a fierce, brain shattering two-ton, punch to his or her face. America will tune in every week to see the carnage. While waiting in line the host will interview each participant giving my show the necessary human-interest angle. Marlene, wants the money for her dream wedding. Ted, needs a down payment for a home, Gary wants to save the family business. Shirley wants to spend a year in Europe. “Knock Out” utilizes slow motion replays, “where are they now?” updates of past contestants and special bonus prizes for those that remain conscious. Blood, pain, danger, risk, money, and love. This would make great television. And don’t forget the crying, there will be lots of crying.