From The Trenches of The TriBeCa Film Festival

“As of this moment Mr. DeNiro is confirmed to arrive in the Main Tent sometime tonight between 7 p.m. and 1 a.m. (Cheers and Applause). I have been told that Mr. DeNiro will enter through the south gate sometime during this 6-hour window. I must stress that this is merely a “soft” confirmation. Please understand that Mr. DeNiro’s arrival can only be considered tentative at best. Because of the unpredictable nature of both his business affairs and artistic endeavors, Mr. DeNiro’s schedule does not afford him the common luxury of making “concrete” plans. Men who have risen to Mr. DeNiro’s level simply cannot make promises – it is next to impossible. Prepare yourselves now and you will not be disappointed when Mr. DeNiro does not show up to this meaningless party.

Moving forward. I know there is a great deal of “buzz” and “hype” surrounding this event but it is my sincere hope that everyone will remain composed while in the presence of Mr. DeNiro. I implore you to take a few minutes to brush up on the behavioral guidelines defined for you in the Celebrity Interaction Handbook. If you do not have the latest copy in your possession, please leave the premises. No sharing.

To those who have arrived late, my name is Cooper and I am a 2nd tier assistant, assisting Gwen, Mr. DeNiro’s personal assistant’s assistant. It is my primary duty to ensure that the critical boundary between celebrity and regular person is maintained. I must ensure Mr. DeNiro’s comfort during the entire event. Tedious as it may seem my supervisor has asked me to verbally review the guidelines once again.

1. Do not, under any circumstance or condition, speak to Mr. DeNiro.
2. Do not look at Mr. DeNiro. If, by some miracle of God, Mr. DeNiro happens to casually glance in your direction immediately divert your eyes to the floor. Do not attempt to communicate a “How’s it going?” or a “Gee, nice party huh?” with some of your pathetically grotesque eye-gesturing.
3. Do not curse in Mr. DeNiro’s presence. Although many of the characters Mr. DeNiro has portrayed in film have frequently used profanity, Mr. DeNiro finds the practice crass and disgusting.
4. Do not use your mobile phone within 30 yards of Mr. DeNiro. Use it and it will be smashed.
5. Do not attempt to photograph Mr. DeNiro, Do not take any pictures of any person until 3 hours after Mr. DeNiro’s safe departure from the premises.
6. Do not touch Mr. DeNiro. Do not shake his hand. He does NOT want to touch your filthy working-class hand.
7. Do NOT under any circumstance say the line, “You talkin’ to me?”
8. Do not ask Mr. DeNiro about gaining weight for The Untouchables and Raging Bull or losing weight for Cape Fear.
9. Do not offer Mr. DeNiro food or drink. If Mr. DeNiro desires something he will speak directly through his assistant, at which point one of Mr. DeNiro’s food testers - Lucas, Santiago or Vince- will retrieve the desired item.
10. Do not make any sudden movements.
11. Do not call him “Bobby”

Thank you and enjoy yourselves.”