Welcome to The World of Porn
My friend Susan is a porn director. We’ve been friends for two years and in that time I never once asked her about her work. Naturally I was curious, but I figured she was tired of answering the same stupid questions over and over so I decided to keep my mouth shut and be a cool friend. While I kept my distance from her career, I secretly hoped a “porn emergency” would arise and she would ask me to help out on the set.
About a month ago, it happened. Porn emergency! I was desperately needed on the set. Susan asked me to assist with the lights on an upcoming shoot (sorry to disappoint you, I wasn’t actually going to be in the movie). The plan was to film two adult features in a single three-day shoot (sort of like the way Peter Jackson simultaneously shot all three Lord of The Rings movies), and she needed help. I was more than ready. I agreed to volunteer without pay, but before leaving she gave me an ominous warning about the days ahead.
“Every guy friend I have ever asked to help on a shoot quits after one day.”
I was surprised. “These guys were obvious pussies,” I thought to myself, “what red-blooded, tit-loving, heterosexual wouldn’t give his right leg to work on a porn shoot?” This was going to be awesome. I was going to be watching people have sex! It was going to be hot! How could it possibly be bad?
It didn’t take long for me to learn why all those other guys quit.
The cast and crew gathered at 10am in Susan’s two-bedroom apartment. The actors were strangers to each other and they cordially shook hands as if they were a group of people gathered to learn about 401k’s or Microsoft Excel. There was a tense vibe in the air, probably from the fact that in a short while these strangers would be intimately banging the hell out of each other.
One of the most underestimated things about a porn shoot is the amount of time it takes. The first scene we did, for example, involved a girl performing oral sex on a guy. This went on for a one full hour. I have one word to describe this ….Boring! My initial excitement began to fade after 15 seconds. Can you imagine watching somebody get blown for an hour? It’s not stimulating in the least. And this went on all day… people having robotic, fake sex for 2 hours while the crew fought to stay awake.
Another horrifying thing about a porn shoot is the crying. I wasn’t ready for the crying. One guy cried after he got fired because he couldn’t stay erect. And the girls were crying all the time because they hated themselves. Sure they get $1000 bucks each time they have anal sex, but you can’t buy self-esteem.
At the end of the day I quit. I went home and took a long cleansing shower like the victim in a Lifetime movie after she is sexually violated. My porn collection is on the curb waiting for the truck to haul it to the dump.
Follow up fan letter from a guy named Jim
Hi Mr.Balutanski my name is Jim, I read your article on " UR CHICAGO " March 11 -->April 7 issue on page #7.I was really suprised to learn that so many guys quit after the 1st day of helping shooting an adult movie.It cant be that bad,I mean it's not like your performing any work thats involves a lot of hard work and sweat for an 8-hour shift.And if I was given an oppurtunity to work or assist in a movie I would be excited to do it.And if it was possible I would like to work for a movie and even volunteer the first day of work without pay(as long as its not too much work).And I bet I would last longer on the job than most people have.So if your friend Susan the porn director is still looking for help,or has any positions open and available PLEASE e-mail me back at: mr_good_guy25@hotmail.com THANKS!
My response to Jim
Jim - thanks for responding to my column...
a couple of problems here....
Susan doesn't work with strangers. So that hurts you right off the bat. Plus I'm not in Chicago but New York City... and even if Susan knew you, she never pays for the extra help at the porn shoots. It's a big financial mistake also... if you are actually interested in paying your own way to New York and paying for a hotel room so you can work for free for three days - go right ahead. It sounds like a bad idea to me.
Susan would also want to meet you etc.. to make sure you were cool. My suggestion is that you find some local people making porn and volunteer with them. Maybe you could even take out an ad on Craigslist's or something.
On another note, did you not "get" the message in my column... I thought the idea that porn is kinda dirty and sad and pathetic was made pretty clear... and while a guy may think it's cool working in porn at the end of the day he'd probably be ready to shoot himself.
-Bang
Reply from the guy named Jim
Hi Bang, thanks for responding back.After finding out that you dont get paid for the kind of stuff you did I definitely wouldn't do it knowing that now.Though I am looking through "craigslist" for oppurtunities that can lead to a paying position.THANKS J I M
My friend Susan is a porn director. We’ve been friends for two years and in that time I never once asked her about her work. Naturally I was curious, but I figured she was tired of answering the same stupid questions over and over so I decided to keep my mouth shut and be a cool friend. While I kept my distance from her career, I secretly hoped a “porn emergency” would arise and she would ask me to help out on the set.
About a month ago, it happened. Porn emergency! I was desperately needed on the set. Susan asked me to assist with the lights on an upcoming shoot (sorry to disappoint you, I wasn’t actually going to be in the movie). The plan was to film two adult features in a single three-day shoot (sort of like the way Peter Jackson simultaneously shot all three Lord of The Rings movies), and she needed help. I was more than ready. I agreed to volunteer without pay, but before leaving she gave me an ominous warning about the days ahead.
“Every guy friend I have ever asked to help on a shoot quits after one day.”
I was surprised. “These guys were obvious pussies,” I thought to myself, “what red-blooded, tit-loving, heterosexual wouldn’t give his right leg to work on a porn shoot?” This was going to be awesome. I was going to be watching people have sex! It was going to be hot! How could it possibly be bad?
It didn’t take long for me to learn why all those other guys quit.
The cast and crew gathered at 10am in Susan’s two-bedroom apartment. The actors were strangers to each other and they cordially shook hands as if they were a group of people gathered to learn about 401k’s or Microsoft Excel. There was a tense vibe in the air, probably from the fact that in a short while these strangers would be intimately banging the hell out of each other.
One of the most underestimated things about a porn shoot is the amount of time it takes. The first scene we did, for example, involved a girl performing oral sex on a guy. This went on for a one full hour. I have one word to describe this ….Boring! My initial excitement began to fade after 15 seconds. Can you imagine watching somebody get blown for an hour? It’s not stimulating in the least. And this went on all day… people having robotic, fake sex for 2 hours while the crew fought to stay awake.
Another horrifying thing about a porn shoot is the crying. I wasn’t ready for the crying. One guy cried after he got fired because he couldn’t stay erect. And the girls were crying all the time because they hated themselves. Sure they get $1000 bucks each time they have anal sex, but you can’t buy self-esteem.
At the end of the day I quit. I went home and took a long cleansing shower like the victim in a Lifetime movie after she is sexually violated. My porn collection is on the curb waiting for the truck to haul it to the dump.
Follow up fan letter from a guy named Jim
Hi Mr.Balutanski my name is Jim, I read your article on " UR CHICAGO " March 11 -->April 7 issue on page #7.I was really suprised to learn that so many guys quit after the 1st day of helping shooting an adult movie.It cant be that bad,I mean it's not like your performing any work thats involves a lot of hard work and sweat for an 8-hour shift.And if I was given an oppurtunity to work or assist in a movie I would be excited to do it.And if it was possible I would like to work for a movie and even volunteer the first day of work without pay(as long as its not too much work).And I bet I would last longer on the job than most people have.So if your friend Susan the porn director is still looking for help,or has any positions open and available PLEASE e-mail me back at: mr_good_guy25@hotmail.com THANKS!
My response to Jim
Jim - thanks for responding to my column...
a couple of problems here....
Susan doesn't work with strangers. So that hurts you right off the bat. Plus I'm not in Chicago but New York City... and even if Susan knew you, she never pays for the extra help at the porn shoots. It's a big financial mistake also... if you are actually interested in paying your own way to New York and paying for a hotel room so you can work for free for three days - go right ahead. It sounds like a bad idea to me.
Susan would also want to meet you etc.. to make sure you were cool. My suggestion is that you find some local people making porn and volunteer with them. Maybe you could even take out an ad on Craigslist's or something.
On another note, did you not "get" the message in my column... I thought the idea that porn is kinda dirty and sad and pathetic was made pretty clear... and while a guy may think it's cool working in porn at the end of the day he'd probably be ready to shoot himself.
-Bang
Reply from the guy named Jim
Hi Bang, thanks for responding back.After finding out that you dont get paid for the kind of stuff you did I definitely wouldn't do it knowing that now.Though I am looking through "craigslist" for oppurtunities that can lead to a paying position.THANKS J I M
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