2.16.2005


I Need Your Vote

Hello. My name is Dick Donner and I’m running for a seat in the House of Representatives of the United States Congress. Would you please take five minutes to listen to me? It’s important to your future, the future of your children, the future of America, and the future of America’s children.

Fellow Americans, I need your immediate assistance. This Tuesday, I, Dick Donner, would be grateful if you could take some time out of your busy day (unless you’re a senior citizen or a waiter) and vote for me, Dick Donner.

Although I have no record of community service, lack any real leadership experience, and hold no opinions of relative importance - you can trust me to represent your interests in Washington.

Why will I be a good congressman?

I am a 39 year-old white male of average weight and height. I have lots of money and my friends have lots of money. I have always had money. I have a safe, boring last name of Anglo descent that looks great on a poster. I went to college in New England and graduated in four years without an embarrassing incident. I am heterosexual. My parents are happily married. I drive an American car. I part my hair to the side. My home is tastefully decorated. I have never done illegal drugs. I have never had relations with a prostitute. I am married to an attractive yet sensibly dressed woman who saved her virginity for the wedding night.

I have never been arrested. I have two normal children whose hair is parted to the side. I have a well-behaved chocolate Lab named Stewart. I enjoy tennis, squash and golf. I speak without accent or impediment. I prefer dark, classically cut suits and I belong to the local Lutheran church. I am considered good-looking, but not overtly sexual. I can read and write. I have a black friend. I like potatoes and chicken. I never served in the military but I have always supported the troops. In general, I’m a good guy.

I know. My qualifications are perfect. But before casting your ballot I need to come clean - I have no intention of helping you.

I know its fairly typical for politicians to make promises about all the stuff they’re going to do for the citizenry, but let me be completely honest here - I’m not going to promise jack squat. I’m not going to improve education, I’m not going to cut taxes, I’m not going to push for tougher gun laws, I’m not going to create more jobs, and I’m not going to work for a better tomorrow for our children. I don’t even know your children, and frankly I don’t give a crap about them.

In fact, I’m not really into the whole public service thing. I fancy the job for my own reasons. I want my parents to be able to call their friends and say, Danny got elected to Congress. I also have my twenty-year high school reunion coming up and Congressman sounds a lot cooler than Regional Sales Rep. And how awesome would it be to meet a woman at a dinner party and be able to say, Im a Congressman. Those Arthur Anderson guys can kiss my ass.

My promise to you is simple: I’m going to work on keeping everything exactly the same. If elected, I’ll do my best to not do my best. My goal is to complete a four-year term and still be unrecognized by the people in my own district. My dream is that someday high school students everywhere will be unable to recall my name, just like other illustrious Congressmen before me.

My course of action is clear- dodge anything immediate, pass on everything important, avoid controversy and disregard all valuable opportunities for change.

Ill work to create legislation that assists special interests, but has little effect on the general population. I wont fight big-money corporations or challenge unfair government practices( that may lead to somebody getting upset with me. Rather, Ill hang low and avoid newspapers and TV cameras at all costs.

Who wants to be responsible for a major overhaul of cultural and societal practices anyway? Who wants to lead a re-organization of government policy? Yikes! Not me! I just want to keep the paychecks a-comin. Just look what happened to the Kennedy clan( true public service will only get you killed.) Ill stick to mediocrity and keep my skull intact thank-you-very-much. I’m no moron.